Hi again

Well hello again! I know it’s been a while since I’ve last posted but so much has gone on lately I just haven’t emotionally felt like writing on this blog. I need to find my writing mojo again. It’s so hard to stay focused sometimes when so much in your life seems to be haywire.

I think the main point of this post is trying to find a way to cope with everything while balancing your new healthy lifestyle. It sometimes feels very easy to slip in to some comfort food and forget the world for a while in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. That used to be one of my go to emotional eating foods. I’d say I am for sure an emotional/bored eater. Admitting it is half the battle right? Lol

I still have to fight my inner battle not to nibble. But if I do have to I found a way to be more health conscious about it. With gastric bypass surgery we need to eat 60-70 grams of protein per day. So if I do feel the urge to snack I make sure it is going to benefit my protein intake so every bit of food I put in my mouth has a purpose and will keep me from getting sick. I have to decide to eat to live and not live to eat.

With these past stressful weeks I had to keep looking at old pics of myself and reminding myself of what I used to look like and very much still could if I allowed myself. I also had to really tell myself I WILL keep the weight off! I CAN do this! Sounds simple right? Well if u are anything like me and on this journey u know it’s not. I am so thankful to have my mom who is such a strong support system. Find someone, anyone, who can be strong with u and hold u accountable, someone who can be there through it all and keep u going when u feel like u can’t go on. It’s so important to have a strong support system.

I am so sorry I haven’t been writing. I really hope I can get back in to it. I am only 1.5lbs away from a huge goal I set for myself in this journey and that is to lose 100lbs! Of course I want to keep going but 100lbs is a mile marker for me. I’m so so close!!! Wish me luck and I hope to write more posts very soon! hugs to u all!!!!! And please if u ever need support let me know! I can definitely help!

Hurdles

Hello friends! My oh my it sure has been a long time since my last entry. I greatly apologize! I started a new blog recently for national poetry writing month to post daily poems for the month of April and also just to rant about this perfectly imperfect life lol. But that doesn’t give me an excuse for abandoning this project. I have been jumping over a bunch of hurdles to stay on track lately. First coming home from my trip away and getting back in to a routine, then there was a death in the family, and…..I just realized what I am doing! EXCUSES! EXCUSES! I can blame other things and reasons as much as I want but I am the only one to blame because I control what I do and don’t do. I have got to stop piling on these excuses and being an enabler to my own not so good behavior! I need to stay honest with myself and remain accountable for my own actions. I was exercising daily before. If I didn’t gym it or swim it, I did my Leslie sansone video. I need to do it again cuz even though I am still losing just from my drastic change in eating habits from the surgery….if I stop working out that will plateau and quit real fast. I never want to do that. I know it’s tough especially with the weather getting nice and all the readily available excuses there are but there shouldn’t be any. I know none of us are perfect especially not me! But even if we just take a short walk, park farther away, take the stairs instead of the elevator, all those little changes can help create something BIG! Stay accountable! Take ur life back! I know that’s what I plan to do. thank u readers for being patient with me. I’m a perfectly imperfect work in progress

Milestones

It’s been five months since my surgery and sometimes I still can’t believe how far I have come and how far I have yet to go. I can’t believe I have lost 2 forty pound bags of dog food and newborn baby! It just boggles my mind! I still want to lose two more bags and two more newborns and that too just blows my mind! I’m even becoming more aware of how I got to that morbid point. That I think is a huge integral part to keeping the weight off. If you don’t learn from your history it simply repeats itself and I DO NOT want to go back EVER!

I feel so much better than I have felt in years! I feel like I am participating in my life rather than watching it pass me by. My energy levels are better, my disposition is better, and I feel like I can really smile again. I feel more human….like I fit in with normal people again. I know I’m still not tiny but I feel like I don’t stick out like a sore thumb as I did before.

Here are some of the milestones that I feel I can be proud of these are both scale and non scale related.

I fit in my sister’s clothes
I am now under 250lbs!
I can go upstairs holding my daughter without dying.
I weigh less than my husband
I can wear wal mart bathing suits
My gym clothes are getting too big
I can use the elliptical and treadmill without feeling like I can’t breathe or getting dizzy.

I know there will be more to come and in fact, I’m counting on it! I can’t wait to see what the future holds. Yes, this road isn’t easy and there are definitely obstacles and learning experiences. But if you can find supportive friends and family as I have I know you can succeed! You just have to commit to your change, find your support networks, and stick to it! Also, if you do have a slip up it isn’t the end of all things! You just have to admit you messed up and correct it! Every minute is a fresh start.

Feeling Good in the Neighborhood!

Last night was support group for weight loss surgery. I always enjoy those meetings. It is so nice to be in a room with a bunch of great people who share the same experiences as you have. They understand. They have been there and are heading for the same place as you are! A healthy weight. Honestly I think any person with weight issues would feel welcomed and benefit from this group. Sort of like heavy people’s AA meeting! Lol

In the meetings we all share struggles, hopes, fears, successes, failures, photos…..it truly is therapeutic and really boosts your confidence. We all are there for each other and support one another without insults, without making anyone feel inferior. It is great!

I feel finding that support system is one of the hardest parts of a weight loss journey yet it is integral to find! Without a support system of some type be it friends, family, co-workers, Internet groups, whatever it may be I really don’t think it’s possible to succeed. I thank God every day for the people I have found in my life. I have been blessed to meet so many wonderful people that help keep me on the straight and narrow path. Without them I am sure I would have given in to the old addictions by now. With this surgery it is so important to learn a new lifestyle, stick with people who will raise u up and not let u fall, go to your follow up appointments, and to show up for support meetings. If you do those things u will find success.

We talked about how you are the only one who can change ur outcome. U are the only one responsible for your health and well being. If you fail, it’s on you and no one else and I completely agree! If you decide that u are going to succeed you surely will!

We also read successes from a book called “life after weight loss surgery” and so many of them I am already feeling. I feel so good about myself already even though I am only halfway there and it keeps me going! It is so wonderful to not feel like I am sticking out like a sore thumb. I feel like I literally fit in better everywhere I go. It is nice to fit comfortably in a booth, a movie seat, an airplane. It is exciting to wear an XL without extra numbers of X’s in front of it. It feels amazing to buy smaller clothing and pay less for it! I can’t explain how good it feels to be a participant in my own life. I am so looking forward to summer and finally be able to really enjoy things that I have been missing out on for years! thank u all for taking this journey with me. Without u, it wouldn’t be possible. And thank you again, I can’t thank you enough, Hope Bariatrics, for giving me this chance at a new life!

Old habits die hard

It’s so funny how old habits die hard. Old mentalities, old ways of living and doing things….it takes almost as long to change these things as it does ur body image and weight!

I was discussing this very thing with some friends. With one friend we discussed how we still get nervous about how people are perceiving us. For example, I went to sheetz to get gas and there happened to be a small group of teens hanging outside the door. I automatically darted my eyes and head to the ground. I felt if I “hid” the kids might not make their viscous,rude comments. I completely forgot that I wasn’t the same size I used to be and that I no longer stood out like I would have pre op. I know I am not skinny by far….but it’s amazing how losing even part of your weight can boost your confidence and how u feel about yourself. I also believe that if u feel good about urself others will feel the same way.

Most of the time as of late I have been feeling great! Like anything is possible until I encounter something that triggers one of those old habits like hiding my face around young people. Old habits aren’t the only thing that’s hard to kick….some of the new habits have created some drama for me in my mind! Lol for example, when I do go out to eat in a resteraunt sometimes I will feel like I need to slow down and take a break. And something clicks in my head and I become paranoid that everyone on the staff is wondering what is wrong with the food? Was everything ok? Maybe I want my plate taken away? Why is this girl who doesn’t look like she is starving taking such small bites????? All of this goes through my head as silly as it sounds. Lol I’m not quite sure how to stop or deal with all of this other than to share it with u in this blog. Hopefully that provides me with some much needed therapy! Lol well I wish I had some much needed answers or advice but since this is an ongoing journey I am still looking for those answers. it’s now time for bed so until next time……..stay healthy

Back in Action

Wow! I feel like I have been gone forever! My last blog was on 2/23! That feels like so long ago! I missed blogging and hearing from my readers but I needed to just take some time, take my daughter to Disney, and enjoy life. it was wonderful! I managed to enjoy my vacation, eat decent meals, and even share a desert or two and I did it in moderation and STILL lost weight. Yes, theoretically speaking I took a vacation from everything for a week. I didn’t blog, post on my site, or do my fitness pal journal. But I didn’t go completely crazy. I did enjoy things I haven’t allowed myself to since my surgery. But I didn’t let it take me over. Moderation is key and I am proud to say I did it in a Disney World full of delicious temptations! Lol I did the unimaginable and lost weight on vacation! Lol

I must say I thoroughly enjoyed my trip. It felt good to fit in to rides and not be scared. Although, most of Disney is pretty size friendly. Lol but I didn’t have to take a separate doom buggy or clam shell due to worrying about not fitting. In fact, my mom, myself, and Chloe all three fit comfortably! Of course Chloe is a little butt! But my butt was HUGE! Lol I also have endured most of my adult life not fitting in to Disney’s clothes. Yes, I’m sure to most that is no big deal. But I am a Disney nut and love some of their clothes. They actually have come out with some stylish options and I could never have one cuz even their xxxL just wasn’t roomy enough. But not this trip! I got my shirt!!!!!! And it fit!!!!!!!! Lol it was a very exciting and liberating moment.

After all of this excitement I must say that it is good to be back. I went grocery shopping for my food and am ready to get back in the saddle exercising and tracking my diet. It will have me feeling better in no time! It’s nice to not feel guilty because I was responsible with my choices. I passed a self test! I was able to be responsible and keep in control. It is such a milestone for me and I am greatful for getting here and having everyone’s help. I still have a long way to go but I feel like I could take on the world! thank u all for reading and have a blessed week!!!!

Here is the shirt! tink and I make the same face! Lol

Keep the Barf Bag Handy!!!

Blah! Today we went to lunch and I was in so much pain and so sick! It hasn’t happened in quite some time and believe me, I didn’t miss it!!!!!

We went to breakfast at Bob Evans. Eggs, pretty easy right? Wrong! I got the sunrise skillet cuz it has mad protein in it and I took two bites! Just two!!! And I could feel it was going to be a problem. I felt very full and it got progressively worse from there! That nasty brick and cement feeling in my chest and back started. U can practically feel the food rolling all over inside. It makes u feel like u need to burp but one never comes. The. This nasty gooey saliva builds up in your mouth like you will vomit but that blessed relief never comes. It’s just weight in ur chest and back between your shoulder blades as well as pain. I think it must be pretty darn close to what a heart attack feels like. Worst. Pain. Ever!!!!!!! Then just when u feel as if you are on the brink of death…..relief.

I’m not trying to discourage anyone from surgery. I am thankful I did it. But there are some unpleasant parts and this was one of them! Maybe I didn’t take small enough bites? Maybe I didn’t chew enough? I can’t be sure. But I will try my hardest as I’ve said before not to let it happen again. I think I still feel weird from it inside. Like I’m bruised. Wtf?!?!

Some days I miss being the old me. Like my little sis had a bunch of her friends over to watch movies and eat junk food. I do miss things like that. I miss drinking arbor mist pear wine and eating raisinettes and peanut butter cups and hot buttery popcorn while watching a good movie. I can’t even really think of a good healthier alternative that would give me the satisfaction. most things I have found alternatives to satisfy me. But not that. I also miss dr. Pepper. I know I can probably drink it if I wanted….but I don’t want to open any flood gates for cheating. I am committed to being healthy and becoming a healthy weight. It just helps me to share these things with u, my readers because I don’t really think most people would understand what I’m going through.

I’m happier than I have ever been. And aside from today I’m feeling better than I have in so long. But there are things I really truly miss. But I know I can’t go back. All I have to do is look at pictures of myself and u know how everyone tells u what they really thought of u AFTER u lose weight? Yea, it still doesn’t feel good to hear no matter how thin u get but people do it. I used to go hide and cry but now I know I am stronger and I have control of my life! Now their rudeness just makes me want to succeed even more. When u go through life with aches pains, sleep apnea, headaches, breathlessness, not fitting in rides at Kennywood, booths, airplane and movie theater seats, can’t wipe ur a** as well as u should, can’t tie ur shoes without gasping for air, can’t play with your child cuz u feel to worn out and tired then it is much easier to find motivation to stay on track. Also, this little NSV helps too! Fitting in a bathing suit from a regular store!!!! Woot! Woot!

It’s been a while….

Hello readers! Sorry I have been MIA for a bit. I’m on vacation visiting family as u know, in Florida. It gets a little hectic at times and I tend to get a bit distracted.

You all would be happy to know that I have curbed my snacking late at night and have been eating better. I’ve been using the gym and the pool and have started doing a weight routine. I had to buy one new pair of pants. I had none that fit so I bought one cuz I know I will keep losing and didn’t want to waste too much on clothes I might not wear long. I also fit into a smaller swimsuit that I would never have been able to wear before! Funny thing is, it’s still hard to think of myself as smaller. I know I look and feel better but I still can’t wrap my head around possibly getting in to single digit pants one day. Old frames of thinking die hard I guess!

It’s still amazing to me how some days I can go through and not be hit with cravings. And other days things tempt me like no one’s business. There is nothing more degrading then feeling weak against a small heart shaped chocolate. Lol but somedays it may as well be as big as willy wonka’s chocolate factory!

I am still very proud of myself for how far I have come and will continue to go. No one thought I would ever get this far. Heck, I didn’t either! Up until the day of surgery I was scared something was going to stop me! It took me so long to realize that the only thing that would was myself. That is when it all changed and I knew what I had to do. What I have to do. I have to keep pushing forward despite the odds against me. If I trip, I have to get up, dust off, and keep going! I have to keep trying and keep working out! I have to forever monitor what I put in my mouth and I am ready! The good out weighs the bad in every sense! Lol

Times may get difficult, obstacles may try to get in my way but they will never get me down cuz I am focused. My eye is on the prize and if I keep helping myself it may just motivate God to let me stay on this earth a lot longer!

Everyone have a good Monday and long weekend! And remember a moment on the lips. A lifetime on the hips! Lmao!!!!!!

NSV followed by a NSF

In case u were wondering what my little abbreviations in the title meant, here is the 411! Lol NSV stands for non scale victory which in short means a weight loss achievement NOT measured by a scale. For example, fitting in a movie theater seat, wearing a shirt that used to be too tight but is now big, going up steps without gasping for air, and you get the point. These are things u may realize, see, and feel before that evil little scale budges!

My NSV, one of them anyways, occurred last night. From 9pm on I always used to grab my Ben and Jerry’s, or popcorn, or pizza, or whatever and sit in front of the tv until bedtime snacking away. That was one of my many many bad health habits. Just because I am losing weight doesn’t mean that the 300+ pound girl isn’t still inside me. I still have to struggle with those old nasty habits while converting to my new lifestyle. Kind of like converting an old school to trendy loft apartments, it takes time. Lol but I digress! Anywho, I am away from home as some may know from my blog page on Facebook and my newer fitness routine has been interrupted and altered to suit travel needs. I’m staying at my grandma’s and a) I’m not as busy here. More free time means idle minds to think about snacking and b) there is a lot of tempting junk food here. (Come on, u know how “grandma’s house” is! Well last night I was bored and watching tv. I was making myself my last meal of the day and on the counter was a delicious box of devilish imitation twinkies! I REALLY wanted one! And a couple days before that I caved and had one and it was yummy! The foodaholic in me was awakened and I wanted more! I felt and feel ashamed of my weak behavior for even having one but nobody is perfect. There will be slip ups from time to time but recognizing them and holding yourself accountable reduce occurrence which brings me to my next point.

I religiously track everything in fitness pal. If it’s not in there I google the info and enter it myself. Well low and behold bingles, the generic twinks, were in there forever scarring my food and exercise diary that day. At first that didn’t bother me tho, and I cooly and calculatedly snuck that bingle in my pocket to sneak eat later somewhere!!!! What was I thinking?!?!

I sat down and ate my dinner. I could feel the bulge of the cream filled cake in its crackly wrapper against my leg. It was calling my name and I wanted to give in so badly! I looked at my mom innocently oblivious in the chair across from me. I felt guilty for hiding that cake. The longer it sat in my pocket the more guilt I felt for actually premeditating a cheat fest! It is one thing if it happens on a spontaneous whim but to PLAN it?! I was low. Back to the days of hiding in my car to devour a whopper, fries, AND chicken fries from Burger King! No wonder I was heading toward 400lbs! I looked at my walk slim DVD just inches away from me on the table and I got up, put that bingle back, and did my DVD! I didn’t snack on that devilish cake! I walked 2 miles and took a shower.

I was so proud of myself!!!! I actually put it back! I didn’t eat it and try to rationalize a good reason for doing so! I won!!!!!! This time! I know there will be struggles. But I will just keep looking back to this moment and realize what a strong feat that was!

Now for the NSF. No that doesn’t stand for non sufficient funds, well, it does but not in this case! In this case it stands for non scale foul!!!! Although, too many of these can stand for a big scale misery! Lol today was not a good victorious day. It started off good. I was at the pool, swam a couple laps and was active. But it got late and even though I did excellent fulfilling my protein intake. I went over my calories on fitness pal. And even though the doc technically said to just focus on protein and not so much calories UNLESS u were snacking and grazing for junk all day I still have a goal to not go over and I haven’t yet….until today. I know what ur thinking. “Gee, maizey, why end on this negative note?!” Well, I am not! I recorded everything even from my most difficult days. And tomorrow I will be back in the saddle! I’m going to swim and work out and make sure that I keep under my calorie goal! I am going to make everyday a non scale victorious future!!!! let’s face it, if the scale notices too I won’t complain! wish me luck everyone!!! Thank u so much for following my journey and I hope I can inspire one of yours!

Stereohowtypical

I figured I would write about something today that is slightly off the topic of Bariatrics but is still a huge part of fitness and your lifestyle change.

I met to write about this sooner but it escaped my mind for a bit and just happened to pop in again while reading Facebook statuses about being in the gym and how people overcame feeling judged and stereotyped and ashamed of being there.

I was thinking about an aqua fit class I was in with a friend and my mom a week or two ago. It was a relatively crowded class and most of us were average to heavy builds and a variety of ages. We all had become somewhat familiar with each other from previous classes and generally felt comfortable with one another. Then……da!da!da!……IT happened!!!!!

Someone, a newbie, skinny and bikini clad entered our sacred aqua fit pool! Gasp!!!!!!! A slight uncomfortable tension filled the chlorine drenched air.
“What is SHE doing here?!” U could hear the thought floating through the air. All of us did one of those quick glances at each other like, “seriously?! Why would SHE need to work out?!”

We had done it. Done what so many have done to us. Gawked at this young woman as if she were invading our space, as if she had no right to work out with us cuz she was already thin and already in that bikini! We didn’t try to make her feel welcomed. We didn’t introduce ourselves and even cracked silent or whispered jokes between each other about how we felt like Shamu and she needed to move to deeper waters to prevent a peek-a-boo! Lol

We stereotyped her. We decided that she didn’t have a right to work out with those of us who needed to shed a few to a few hundred pounds. Lol we basically ripped her to shreds for being there with our eyes. We had become what he hated most. Judgmental gym hounds who decide who can and can not remain fit with us.

At the time I thought it was funny. But who am I to decide that she can’t take precautions to keep her bikini ready body. Why would I allow my bikini envy to try and humiliate and belittle someone in to feeling awkward like they couldn’t work out with us?

I don’t want to be that person. I want to try to make a resolution to myself to respect everyone at the gym. To understand that they are there, like me, to serve a purpose and to accomplish a common goal, fitness. I will no longer look down my nose at anyone’s physique and decide they have no right to be there. This is me taking accountability for myself. Will u?